“The journey of finding oneself is neverending”.

2006.

Ever since varsity life started, it seems like I’m living a year twice over. Instead of a year, it seems that 2 years has passed, because as a student, our lives are clearly demarcated by the academic calendar.

When Gan Ann asked what my achievements for this year are, I couldn’t think of anything. She said “what about climbing?” Regarding this role, my post-mortem of it is that I played the role the best I could, but I am not the best person for it. Undeniably, it was a source of my frustrations. A shoe too big for me to fill, a journey of keeping my head above waters.

Then I said “Maybe my grades.” Now I am not sure if I was just plain lucky or was it because of my hard work that I managed to pull up my GPA earlier, because now my efforts returned me with a B- majority. And I did work hard.

All of this I want to neatly wrap up & proclaim it “OVER”. But fears sets in of having the unsettled remnants of this package spill over and trip me in my future walk. I have learnt that the feelings you feel should never be overlooked, not by you and not by anyone, because they are the realest reflection of what you are and what you want. By ignoring them, you are only setting yourself to face them all over again. In life we make mistakes, mistakes that are irreversible. And its irreversibility forces us to grow. We pay to learn this lesson, some payment more tangible than others.

“The journey of finding oneself is neverending”. The fact that I actually think that I made a really smart statement, is the summation of how I feel towards Year 2006. Through the game of winning and losing, gaining & sacrificing, the one thing you reap for sure is the gradual understanding of yourself. I think its impossible to fully understand any human being, not your close ones, not even yourself. Maybe because we are ever changing, and that we are a body of such complex & contradictory thoughts and actions. Feelings of jealousy, envy, weariness, like, love, lust, hatred that sometimes make you wonder “hey, why am I like that?”. That’s just another facet of you that you discovered. The difference and the crux, however, lie in how you deal with these feelings. Instead of sticking yourself down in this pithole of feelings and relegate yourself to depression and emoness, accept them openly then let them go.

A girl in a show describes herself as a groundhog. Her less-than-average family status gave her feelings of jealousy, envy, unhappiness. But she tells herself, yes I am a groundhog, so I wont ask for what isn’t mine. Would you call that under-achieving? I would say that maybe that is the key of letting go of all these negativities & finding happiness in the place you are most comfortable with.

I have found the place I am most comfortable with at this end of the Year 2006.

i was happiest, because I got high with Wu Yue Tian twice over. because I went to Hongkong, the first of my traveling trips. I turned 21, which wasn't that great a transition, but people who cared for me, gathered just to celebrate this day.

最想听到的是 “我支持你，我了解你。” 很多时候，非如此。2007， 请纵容我的自私 因为我不想被束缚。 对我重要的事，我一定会握紧双手绝对不放。我相信有一天，我能找到属于自己的那种笃定。“我和我骄傲的倔强，握紧双手绝对不放。 下一站是不是天堂，就算失望，不能绝望。”