“The journey of finding oneself is neverending”.

2006.

Ever since varsity life started, it seems like I’m living a year twice over. Instead of a year, it seems that 2 years has passed, because as a student, our lives are clearly demarcated by the academic calendar.

When Gan Ann asked what my achievements for this year are, I couldn’t think of anything. She said “what about climbing?” Regarding this role, my post-mortem of it is that I played the role the best I could, but I am not the best person for it. Undeniably, it was a source of my frustrations. A shoe too big for me to fill, a journey of keeping my head above waters.

Then I said “Maybe my grades.” Now I am not sure if I was just plain lucky or was it because of my hard work that I managed to pull up my GPA earlier, because now my efforts returned me with a B- majority. And I did work hard.

All of this I want to neatly wrap up & proclaim it “OVER”. But fears sets in of having the unsettled remnants of this package spill over and trip me in my future walk. I have learnt that the feelings you feel should never be overlooked, not by you and not by anyone, because they are the realest reflection of what you are and what you want. By ignoring them, you are only setting yourself to face them all over again. In life we make mistakes, mistakes that are irreversible. And its irreversibility forces us to grow. We pay to learn this lesson, some payment more tangible than others.

“The journey of finding oneself is neverending”. The fact that I actually think that I made a really smart statement, is the summation of how I feel towards Year 2006. Through the game of winning and losing, gaining & sacrificing, the one thing you reap for sure is the gradual understanding of yourself. I think its impossible to fully understand any human being, not your close ones, not even yourself. Maybe because we are ever changing, and that we are a body of such complex & contradictory thoughts and actions. Feelings of jealousy, envy, weariness, like, love, lust, hatred that sometimes make you wonder “hey, why am I like that?”. That’s just another facet of you that you discovered. The difference and the crux, however, lie in how you deal with these feelings. Instead of sticking yourself down in this pithole of feelings and relegate yourself to depression and emoness, accept them openly then let them go.

A girl in a show describes herself as a groundhog. Her less-than-average family status gave her feelings of jealousy, envy, unhappiness. But she tells herself, yes I am a groundhog, so I wont ask for what isn’t mine. Would you call that under-achieving? I would say that maybe that is the key of letting go of all these negativities & finding happiness in the place you are most comfortable with.

I have found the place I am most comfortable with at this end of the Year 2006.

i was happiest, because I got high with Wu Yue Tian twice over. because I went to Hongkong, the first of my traveling trips. I turned 21, which wasn't that great a transition, but people who cared for me, gathered just to celebrate this day.

最想听到的是 “我支持你，我了解你。” 很多时候，非如此。2007， 请纵容我的自私 因为我不想被束缚。 对我重要的事，我一定会握紧双手绝对不放。我相信有一天，我能找到属于自己的那种笃定。“我和我骄傲的倔强，握紧双手绝对不放。 下一站是不是天堂，就算失望，不能绝望。”

its 2007 already?

drey asked if i have gone out of singapore cos of my lack of updates. if ur current lifestyle is as sedentary as mine, i suppose you wont be writing about how much you slept or how much tv time you've clocked. okay, im just hoping rest can help me look better and feel better. but on the contary, im breaking out & i have caught the cold. i've been procrastinating on the need to clean up my room. ok i'd first start with cleaning up knotty.

resolutions:
be a chao mugger
to love my brother more.

to F.M.:
may be win that 2 million and live like queens. we could start up a business. buy a car (mafia mobile). i guess we could buy del a new handphone. hahaha, are u dreaming like me already??

By the way, budget flight usually have one way promo only and its from SG. maybe we should considering flying over then train-ing back. SG - Hanoi: 87.23 SGD. Based on promo, July.

some random pictures

a gift from apple from Taiwan. i picked these cos they were Christmasy. i wore the paul franks on the really cold rainy nights whilst snuggled underneath my comforter. bliss.

at moses's. i look spastically funny but happy. i really love his balcony.

crabs!

am still feeling very happy from the seafood feast we had just now. fi introduced this cheap place to eat seafood & being the foodie that we are, we just couldn't give it a miss plus it was a belated birthday dinner for manda. we were already smitten with the 1st dish that was served - which was crab served fishhead beehoon style. gan ann was drinking from the ladle towards the end. that's how good it was. then we had our usual favourites: sambal stingray, kangkong, ha jiong gai (prawn paste chicken) & cereal prawns. we took pictures & said some quote worthy stuff.

we realized singlish is an acquired language, which you will appreciate more when you are overseas. it expresses everything but other people dont understand it. manda: "in hongkong, they wont understand lala, chutchut & gong gong". fi: "prawns arent meant to be photogenic, they are meant to be edible." they also realized i eat weird stuff & they love to take pictures of me eating weird stuff. i think we realized it long ago but we reemphasized how we love to make fun of people, clothes, in fact everything. and also that we are always eating so our pictures have the same poses with same props. usually chicken wings but tonight we have crabs.

as if that wasnt enough,manda was craving for tangyuan after that, so we dropped by 85 tabaoed ah balling & ate in fi's car. being stuck in the traffic jam in town with fi spouting expletives, starving for the day (for me), gaining calories - was worth it. really. we even made it a date to go there for our reunion dinner. so hear ye jan! what? who is del?

Christmas Day 2006

because i woke up in the wee hours of the day, i shall blog about the happenings of 25th dec 2006 - Christmas. the day where i ate a lot. i woke up remembering that i had krismy kreme in my fridge, hahaha 1 week old from Hongkong. heated it up, test tasted it, and MAN. the thought in my mind was this "stupid fiona heng, all out to make me fat". u see, the ones i had, were dripping with honey & the other with caramel. a sweet christmas morning indeed.

after which, it was my mum's ban mian affair. as usual, people were invited. F.M came along (without the Phantom of course. Phantoms are phantoms) and manda had this box of krisy kreme for gan ann and fi brought along cream puffs & mochi from tokyo. we counted the countries fi has been to in a single year, talked about slapable accents, kuchimomos, bad english etc.

i thought i'd give it a rest but weizhong last line over the phone was "i dont care. 20 mins, i pick you up". OKAY, so hailing him and I ended up at Parkway playing pool. I tell u, that is one thing can NEVER EVER master. and we wrapped up the night with ba chor me at 85. if there are 1 (ok 3) thing(s) i can NEVER EVER resist, its sushi, durian & 85 ba chor mee. MUST eat.

that's for Christmas day. and the above, are my gifts for this year.

i shall go sleep again, because the rain is absolutely divine.

不醉

i did click some plastic wine glass, but other than that Christmas Eve was fairly normal. it drizzled as per normal, did the shopping & movies. the usual activities in town. after which i joined the hung out with the older crowd at my auntie's place. that's the Christmas eve of 2006 which felt all too normal.

伤城：
邦 （金城武）： 酒有什么好喝的？
熙 （梁朝伟）： 酒好喝的地方在于它难喝

the scene whereby takeshi kaneshiro in his bloodiness, looked up. trembled, then began sobbing. was classic. for that, i put him above tony leung.

hanging out

having the holidays means that we have more time to catch up with one another. last night was a classic "sad 21 year olds with no life" moment. we went for a supper we hardly ate, wanted to ktv but it couldn't manifest, so we thought we should go see some christmas lights but passed it, ended out at beautiful Mount Faber which we lamented about our lives while looking at couples kuchimomo. but it's definitely a nice night to remember. i like alan's magic school bus.

today was the Christmas gathering for the climbers. lots of food. and stupid games as usual. this time we didnt torture each others' hands, but made each other stuff mashmallows in their mouth. The record is 15 mashmellows. it was disgusting. i only managed 4 and i was choking & snorting.

the best thing about the hols is how days pass by each day peacefully without being stressed out by deadlines. how everything slows down. start noticing the beautiful colours of the sky, the nice weather. i wish it could remain like that. 我的要求真的并不多。

fi: your kristy kreme & lo por bang was a bonus. i will savour all of them tomorrow! i am touched.

amble

off to see some pilots in a few seconds. i wish they could fly me along to somewhere. i think i have gotten hang of the feeling of being by myself. sing dance & being silly. now i wish i could be whisked off to somewhere to allow me to wander around aimlessly somewhere by myself. go on sweep me off my feet.

RAIN

the rain makes me reluctant to get out of bed in the morning when i am all tucked in nicely in my comforter. i like it better when its drizzling with the breeze is blowing and when the sky is still nice blue and cloudy. i do not like the storms that wet my shoes, even worse when i'm shivering in the air-con bus. the rain gladens some. but bring floods to others. waters that submerge cars & houses, trapping people in their house, washing away cars. things happening just in our neighbouring country.

itchy itchy scratchy watcy

my eczema acting up quite badly all of a sudden last night, when the last time i had it was when i was in Primary school. subsided in the morn (the plan was to not work if it hadnt. haha) so i'm back here. went over to my ah mah's last night because I was feeling very guilty for not having visited her for the longest time. the only time I actually do speak to her was only over the telephone when she calls. haha, WHEN i do have a car, i will chauffeur my ah mah around. WHEN i have it that is. but for now, money flies out of my hand. feel that i am spending faster than i earn, and its just the daily expenses. hurphm.

专属天使

tank-专属天使

我不会怪你对我的伪装
天使在人间是该藏好翅膀
人们愚蠢鲁莽而你纤细善良
怎能让你为了我被碰伤

小小的手掌厚厚的温暖
你总能平复我不安的夜晚
不敢想的梦想 透过你的眼光
我才看见它 原来在前方

没有谁能把你抢离我身旁
你是我的专属天使
唯我能独占
没有谁能取代你在我心上

拥有一个专属天使
我哪里还需要别的愿望
小小的手掌大大的力量
我一定也会像你一样飞翔
你想去的地方就是我的方向

有我保护笑容尽管灿烂
要不是你出现我一定还在沉睡
绝望的以为生命只有黑夜

for the co-emcee. u know we are happy for you. =)

错了

想要逃到快乐的地方去。是我吗？责任。obligation. 金钱。好讨厌这些名词。

jfeng 21st

happy birthday jfeng!

has been a special celebration, a nice one to wrap up all of our 21st birthdays. thank u for being one of my good buddy in ahscds for being there to share stuff & also religion wise. i think u have really be a sport today, and from only the usual people been overtly high (ahscds'01), u made everyone very spontaneous.

had a little too bit much to drink after that. but everything ended nicely. now im just hungry... and as usual when its TOO late. i cant bear to sleep.

心理游戏

人们总是喜欢谈感情事。也许因为爱情患得患失。人们总对抓拿不住的事物特别的眷恋。这是human nature. 没有所谓的对或错。对于我这种已经发霉的人，朋友总是特别好奇。有没有喜欢的人啊？这个人到底有没有爱过? 总想八卦一些 “love history”.

中学时候，就有个习惯。女生嘛，当然会有喜欢的人。但是我始终认为“喜欢”不应该由我先说。我是女生。所以只有等待。等待让人胡乱猜测。再等待让人失去信心。再再等待让人失去耐心。不想再等待了， 因为不喜欢单恋，因为看不到结果。所以，我会下个时间限制。过了那时候，我就不喜欢了。在那期间，发现并没有那么想念，日子照常过。为了自己一个人的穷紧张，而感到不甘心。当那天终于到了，想好了很多理由，所以就能很理直气壮的不喜欢了。What you think, it is.

有些东西，没有对或错。跟自己玩些心理游戏 是成长的过程。很爱有多爱？What you think, it is. 可能爱情只是凭空想象，也不一定。

这是我很鸡婆的看到了“冲上云霄”的spoiler, 所以今天看戏的时候很depressed 过后的感想。那个一直在身旁的云志 Vincent 死了。会不会因此后悔，而开始珍惜？因为他也变成了和Sam 一样遥不可及。(No, I won’t read anymore spoilers!)

lihong makes me wanna dance

it is only on still waters, that ripples will be seen when a stone is cast. ripples that only last for awhile. so let me be still and do not rain on me. or if you should, let me be the choppy stormy sea that takes in whatever that's thrown at me unblinkingly. i rather not be affected. not alone anyway.

Christmas in 11 Days

(I know you love me.)

drop in your virtual gifts for eu. see if you can read my mind =) (virtual is good for us poor students no?) at least to help me entertain myself whilst I sit here doing data entry. I would like for myself to have a non-achy back or a neverending supply of massage services.

Took our baby steps in the loreal brandstorm case study, which was tempting to give up & not try at all, looking at the vast amount of research that needs to be done & the so little time we have left as of now. But we'd still give it a shot anyhow. So would appreciate any form of help & information regarding salon haircare. If you frequent salon that sells hair products, please let me know what they sell & if you buy them.

After our meeting, I met my brother who is currently working at Sim Lim Sq. now. While our relationship improved with me now usually playing the role of the naggy sister, going out is still something new. It was just a short time at Bugis while he had his dinner & I got my hands on Lee Hom's Gai Shi Ying Xiong DVD (which was great by the way). talked while taking the train home.

I look at closely knitted siblings on tv, and also people like Hailing & her bro, i do start to wonder whether in future when we aren't living together, would we conveniently just stay out of each other lives & become strangers?

It would be better if I decide to go to FCBC and get involved in the same ministry, church service because it would be a binding force. However, I am most comfortable with where I am now at New Crea because it has been a turning point in my Christian walk. I have feel comfortable going alone, I enjoy the sermon & I always feel that I come out happier. The only problem is the distance & I get lazy rather often.

just rambling off some thoughts.

父子篇

记得有一个故事，述说一个妈妈因为太溺爱孩子而不纠正他的错误。 直到有一天，孩子因做错事而送进监牢。当妈妈去探儿子时，她的儿子咬断了她的耳朵，只因为他很痛恨妈妈为什重来没有引导他做对的事。

在戏里，郭富城的儿子咬断了他的耳朵。“我不想偷东西，为什么你叫我偷东西。我很害怕！” 父子。谁是父，谁是子，在戏里很像分不清楚。儿子反过来照顾只会埋怨别人父亲。而不懂表达自己的父子， 他的突然痛哭，也只把儿子吓坏了。时而敲打儿子的头，时而疼惜的抚摸着儿子的头发。到底该爱或恨这样的爸爸呢？

很多故事宣扬着父母对子女的爱与宽容，可是你们知不知道，子女也是以同样的宽容对待自己的父母。就算再怎么不好，我们都只有他们这对父母。你能原谅你的父母亲吗？

feeling incredibly restless. my back can't stop cracking even after i change my mattress. it's making me feel like an ah mah, and i'm tempted to pay some sensei a visit.

random:

weird names: Lam Cheow Tee. I cannot decide what's worse. This or Gaylord?

Canon in D: Following the success of "My Sassy Girl", song composers have to 'ngeh-ngeh' put in some form of Canon in D in their songs. Wu Ke Qun's Nan Yong was also inspired by Sassy Girl, and i love the opening line "na pum num, chu gor shi por?!" ["Bad/Stupid guy, you wanna die?!"]

Movies: the good movie are coming out in 2007. Top of the list would have to be Protege (Men Tu). And the others by Francis Ng. He's another must watch vetaran actor. My hongkong show friend, yes you fi & manda, together ok! unless u all watch in HK already....

父子

made a date with dad & mum to watch this tonight. this has got to be the longest time since the last time we went to the theatre as a family. the last time, i think, was when i was still in primary school.

phantom

my weekend has been great thus far. our sleepover at Hailing's last night was a mix of junk food, horror/humanitarian & superlame movie, 蜡笔小新, lychee blend, eggs, instant noodles, baileys & fun. but because wz & i were tired from work, we fell asleep & then subsequently so did the rest. woke up to more TV & food in the morning which made us feel like we're at a chalet.

the rest of today was spent with luckfine, catching up with this MIA friend. this day will be remembered in history. we talked about our dyfuctional friendship/family, school, stupid songs we used to sing. i realized she had no idea that i am a business student NOT an econs student, i realized that her brother is going to dentistry. goes to show. nevertheless, i hope you like your long overdue present from hongkong. this shall serve as a reminder to you.

career thoughts

there's still 1.5 hours till knock off. i feel that i have done so many things already but yet time does not seem to tick in equivalence. just wanna find somewhere and sleep. especially since i had very much of sleep prior to the start of work, now having to wake up at 6.30 am is torturous. 10 days more!

having gone through internship & now this part time job, i now feel very grateful for being able to start off with FedEx as my 1st job. with a platform for comparison, you realize the things that matters in a job. besides the salary, the company culture & working environment is important too. we cannot choose our colleagues, so it is good luck if one can get along with their colleagues. And it must be serendipity & favour, if they become not only your colleagues but friends. it is a blessing if lunch time is always noisy & chaotic from the gossiping & laughter.

that aside, for me personally, it makes a difference if you can identify with your company, its products or services. If one is merely dealing with common company procedures such as paperwork, i feel that u merely get lost in your work. you don't even know the reason behind your work. besides being bad at numbers, finance & accounting ALONE is not something i look forward to because i feel that the job scope is too narrow. everyday its just claims & recordings, things necessary to keep the company going but it is not the main core of the company.

kapil (my new product development professor) once said that working to launch a new product is always exciting. there's so much to do and the whole place is just buzzing with this excitment. it is different when you are at the front end of your company. and i think that is the place i would want to be at.

so, is marketing & sales the way to go? we'll see.

5

吉他手： 怪兽 石头

bassist: 玛莎

鼓手：冠佑

主唱：阿信

这是我的温柔，我给你自由

for a moment, i thought the lost returned. then i realize it wasn't true. and then i realize it wasn't enough. the so-called 'maybe' i saw. some chances are not meant to be taken. and things get even clearer. 4... 3.. 2.. 1...0... bye.

6

陈信宏，31 岁的生日 快乐。
俗语说得好： “对你爱不完”



有一天　我在想　
我到底　算是個什麼東西
還是我　會不會　根本就不算東西
天天都漫無目的　偏偏又想要證明　真理
別人從屁股放屁　我卻每天每天的說要革命
就算是這個世界　把我拋棄　而至少快樂傷心我自己決定
所以我說　就讓它去　我知道潮落之後一定有潮起　有什麼了不起

常常我　豁出去　拼了命　走過卻沒有痕跡
可是我　從不怕　挖出我火熱的心
手上有一個硬幣　反面就決定放棄　嗝屁
但是啊在我心底　卻完完全全不想放棄

就算是這個世界　把我拋棄　而至少快樂傷心我自己決定
所以我說　就讓它去　我知道潮落之後一定有潮起　有什麼了不起


常常我　閉上眼睛　聽到了海的呼吸　
是你溫柔的藍色潮汐　告訴我沒有關係

就算真的這個世界　把我拋棄　而至少快樂傷心我自己決定
所以我說　就讓它去　我知道潮落之後一定有潮起　
我不能忘記
無論是我的明天　要去哪裡　而至少快樂傷心我自己決定
所以我說　就讓他去　我知道潮落之後一定有潮起
有什麼了不起
有什麼了不起

[柔与刚]
“这是我的温柔”
“坚强对我来说就是以刚克刚”

work has been good so far. office is pretty with lots of posters of mango, zara & all. i'm doing brainless admin work at Royal Sporting House. & fact of the day: Royal Sporting House, Why Pay More, Puma, Reebok, Stadium, Rockport, Mango, Zara, Bebe, Women's Secret, Golf House & TAG Heuer are all under the parent company of RSH (SG).

wz, if u think i type very loudly. i found someone bigger & better. and she's actually chatting over email. (i presume cos msn is not allowed here. boo)

i'm overdressed because they said formal & everyone wears jeans here. did the definition of formal just change?

music: 93.3fm

in the light of Your glory & grace

and so the online persona is back because knots was sent for servicing. you see, knots is my christened laptop. it finally has a name, given by Gan Ann, because it can't type "T" & "S".
k-NO-T-S. geddit?

by the way, Gan's is name Noddy, cos it has No-D.

i've been spending quality me time, doing my favourite things. home is still the best place to be in, though there are times i just have to get outside of my mum's voice. did things that I missed out during the school days like pigging out at Sakae's, watching movie, loitering in town and exploring the new places - IKEA @ Tampines & Vivocity. I LOVE both the places by the way. i've always adored IKEA so nothing beats having it huge and close to home. I love how Vivocity overlooks the sea to Sentosa and how everything is buzzing with excitment.

i'm just feeling contented now just sitting here in my room, comforted with the fact that things are good at home. my brother has got a new job. new girlfriend is of secondary importance. but all in all, im just happy that we walked this far together as a family. And i know there's greater and better things ahead. In fact, both my brother and I are getting fatter and rounder. hahaha...

tomorrow is day 1 of work @ Macpherson. so is it Mayday.

i will dance in the rain, and scream
i'd live better than before!

the one on 4th Dec

to you, who ran the hongkong streets with me, the one who calls, fellow listener of 五月天, my pillar of support. i'm here to say Happy Birthday Manda, i know i should have said it personally. love you girl for being who you are. still awaiting our sakae gathering.

lotsa love, coldwater.

tres

being the procrasinators that we are, we finally signed ourselves up for the loreal brainstorm. its so exciting!! quite tight on the time though, but we must make it ok!

and i shall go get ready & meet apple for IKEA. happy happy =)

uno dos tres.
going by age, uno is apple. dos is weizhong. tres is yours truly.
go amigoS!

7

Words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup,
They slither while they pass, they slip away across the universe

Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my opened mind,
Possessing and caressing me.
Jai guru de va om
Nothings gonna change my world, Nothings gonna change my world.
Nothings gonna change my world Nothings gonna change my world.

Images of broken light which dance before me like a million eyes,
That call me on and on across the universe,
Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box they
Tumble blindly as they make their way
Across the universe Jai guru de va om
Nothings gonna change my world,Nothings gonna change my world.
Nothings gonna change my world.Nothings gonna change my world.

Sounds of laughter shades of earth are ringing
Through my open ears inciting and inviting me
Limitless undying love which shines around me like a
Million suns, it calls me on and on
Across the universe

Jai guru de va om
Nothings gonna change my world,Nothings gonna change my world.Nothings gonna change my world.Nothings gonna change my world.